- Uniform Checks
The point of these was to annoy the boys and sometimes humiliate the girls. Sure, a boy might get a, “Tuck your shirt in, Michael!” and the biggest uproar that would cause was, “Which Michael?” But you would spend literally five to ten minutes talking about the length of a girl’s skirt. That was always so much more important than dissecting frogs or reading 1984. If your skirt was four inches above your knee instead of the regulated three, congratulations! Your teachers thought you more interesting than George Orwell.
- “Make Room for the Holy Spirit”
This isn’t as nice as it sounds. It sounds like they’re encouraging you to pray. But they’re not. They’re discouraging you from hugging and dancing close. If your chest is touching somebody else’s chest, apparently, the Holy Spirit feels really left out. We’re not really sure why, given the whole “fruitful and multiply” thing, but this is a favorite of Catholic schoolteachers.
- Holding Hands with Your Crush During the Our Father
This was the best part about having a boy-girl seating arrangement in Mass when you were ten. You didn’t get to talk to your best friend, but that cutie who knows how to divide two rows in front of you? This was your best chance at socialization. Your hands were probably really sweaty, though, so we apologize if we triggered any unseemly flashbacks.
Catholic high schools love their sports. It’s almost embarrassing how much. After the school Mass was over, the priest would have you all sit down and clap for the boys’ junior varsity basketball team for losing their last game.
- Who Has the Better Confirmation Name?
In eighth and ninth grades, you and your friends would sit around at lunch and compare confirmation names for your next sacrament of initiation. Only there was rampant competition among you to see whose name was the prettiest. If you chose Agnes and thought it was a beautiful name, there was a chance that all your friends (who all “coincidentally” chose Cecelia) thought you were a freak.
Your school probably took you to Confession during Lent (For those who don’t know, that’s the liturgical season right before Easter.). But you were really confused as to how confession works. Do you just get up of your own accord? Or do you go up one row at a time like for the Eucharist? Most of all, are you sure you want to tell your priest about that time you got mad at your friend Mary and told her that her hair was dry?
- The Lunches
Catholic school lunches are somehow worse than any other school lunch. They are really obsessed with Bosco sticks (breadsticks filled with plastic-ish cheese that all sinks to the bottom of the bread), and they try and fail to recreate the popcorn chicken bowl from Kentucky Fried Chicken. Also, you might have experienced a piece of white bread coated in tomato sauce and cheese that they had the nerve to call “pizza.” No.
- Graduation Dress Code
This is like the uniform check except for worse. Again, boys are just told to have a neat and clean haircut and not to wear tennis shoes. Their moms are on top of that, anyway. Girls, however, have a novel of things they can’t wear. Their shoes must be completely white and also must be heels or wedges. Flats, apparently, are for quitters. Oh, and that dress you’re wearing under your graduation gown? That’s gotta be white, too. Three guesses why.
- Starting School in August
This is the worst. They try to justify it by saying, “But you get out in May, so it’s the same amount of time!” No. School should start in September. Public schools do. More importantly, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (of Harry Potter fame) starts on September 1. You just got burned.
- First Communion Mass
Or, more aptly titled, “practice wedding ceremony.” For eight-year-olds.