20 Dwight Schrute Quotes from ‘The Office’ That Will Reach You on a Deep Level

Photo Credit: morguefile.com

Photo Credit: morguefile.com

  1. When you feel invincible

“I am fast. To give you a reference point, I’m somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.”

  1. When you’re all about that career

“And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff’s deputy to make friends. And, by the way, I haven’t.”

  1. When you just want real life to be TV

“Once I’m officially Regional Manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So, I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.”

  1. When you just really, really love superheroes

“No, don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.”

  1. When you feel especially antisocial today

“Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.”

  1. When you’re writing epic good fan fiction

“I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.”

  1. When smiling is not your favorite

“When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee, begging for its life.”

  1. When your thought process is questionable

“I always wondered how they picked the person to die. I’d be good at picking the person.”

  1. When you’re trying to get motivated

“Before I do anything, I ask myself, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ and if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing.”

  1. When you’re super intense

“You couldn’t handle my undivided attention.”

  1. When you want to cover all of your bases

“All you need is love. False. The four, basic human necessities are air, water, food, and shelter.”

  1. When you need your crush to just get it already

“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.”

  1. When you’re not good at math

“How would I describe myself? Three words: hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer, merciless, insatiable.”

  1. When you’re really serious about crime

“Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!”

  1. When you’re really, really serious about crime

“If there’s anything I hate more than art, it’s crime.”

  1. When you’re really trying to defend yourself

“You can’t fire me! I don’t work in this van!”

  1. When you’re playing Mad Libs, and you’re awesome at them

“A stupid, idiotic, numbskull named Andy Bernard, sold his XTerra to a smart and capable man named Dwight. This is shaping up to be an awesome day for Dwight!”

  1. When you’re really pedantic

“Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.”

  1. When you’re really confused about what “loyalty” means

“Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.”

And this, which you have to hear to believe.

All nine seasons of The Office are available for streaming on Netflix.

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