- The friend who claimed to be non-religious but was really obsessed with Relient K.
We don’t know how to explain this friend, but she probably existed in your high school in the 00s.
- The friend who Sorted your entire grade into Hogwarts Houses and took it really seriously.
Author’s Note: I was that friend. I am still that friend, even though high school was awhile ago.
- The friend who was really pushy about everyone in your crew working on the homecoming float.
Seriously, is it that important to fold a bunch of green trash bags in the hope that maybe, just maybe, they’ll resemble The Incredible Hulk? It’ll be a terrible likeness, and no one wants to be part of that.
- The friend who was in AP classes but was really bad at them, claiming the only reason they were in them was because “it was all that worked with my schedule.”
Don’t buy the AP Government book if you can’t handle the gerrymandering.
- The friend who was always sick.
If she wasn’t recovering from intensive surgery, she had the flu. You had to bring her all the homework she missed. Really, neither of you were winning.
- The friend who “shipped” real life couples from biology class, etc.
For those of you unfamiliar, “shipping” is where fans of something actively want two characters to be together. They are in a relationship with a relationship, basically. And the fan in your class couldn’t have TV in school, so the fan probably resorted to wanting to see two lab partners make out at the prom. Creepy? Yes. Accurate? Also yes.
- The friends who weren’t together but were “shipped” by the masses.
You get SO MANY bonus points if they were the valedictorian and salutatorian or if both of them were gay. That’s great sitcom fodder.
- The friend who shipped two kids from your English class even though they were cousins.
In your friend’s defense, she didn’t know they were cousins until, like, October.
- The friend who got the lead in literally every school musical, even though he couldn’t sing, because he was the only boy who tried out.
At words poetic, he was SO pathetic.
- The friend who was a little too eager to find out how you did on every single one of your tests.
“Oh,” he would say, “you got a 95? That’s good, I guess. I got a 97, but that’s just luck.”
- The friend who always forgot her gym clothes.
She would have had a 4.4 if not for really, really hating basketball.
- The friend who took Ultimate Frisbee day about as seriously as a heart attack.
You ended up with a black eye and a sprained ankle that day.
- The friend who cried because your homeroom was the only one that didn’t get cookies on Student Appreciation Day.
But, like, that was actually a blessing. You probably weren’t allowed to eat the cookies in a classroom because teachers are irrationally afraid of crumbs, and schools always buy the cheapest cookies. It’s not like they were handing out Chips Ahoy.
- The friend who consistently misspelled common words, like “window” and “toast.”
Author’s Note: I had a friend whose essay would have received a perfect score if not for misspellings of those words and pretty much all the other words in the essay. She hung it up in her locker and proudly.
- The friend who told this one teacher every single one of his personal secrets.
We don’t know about you, but we wouldn’t want our gym teacher knowing who kissed who at the homecoming after party.
- The friend who always bought lunch, even if it was white bread with Hunt’s tomato sauce and mozzarella cheese on it.
Seriously, what was this friend’s problem? Brown bag it or lose it.
- The friend who got really competitive about how much cookie dough/chocolate/pizza kits she could sell in comparison to the rest of the class.
Now, level with us. How relevant was that at your first high school reunion? Maybe a little, if you grew up to be in sales. But other than that, you probably forgot what kind of cookie dough you sold and why you were selling it. I hope.
- The friend who always got to read her paper out loud because it was always the best one.
Ugh, you thought bitterly. Why didn’t I understand Holden Caulfield’s existential drama as well as she did? I hate her. But also, I really respect her.
- The friend who went out with a junior when he was a freshman and everyone secretly thought it was weird.
And maybe not so secretly thought it was weird.
- The friend who recently learned the word “fornication” and wouldn’t stop saying it.
It would come up during the worst times, too. Alright, so, there’s not really an optimal time to say “fornication.” But there are better and worse times. You have to give us that.
- The friend who was convinced all the teachers were into her.
This friend was, 100% of the time, wrong.
- The friend who made a really big deal about how much she liked All Time Low.
We get it. All Time Low is cool, and not everyone has heard of them. But we’re all really trying to pass geometry, and we can’t focus when “Dear Maria, Count Me In” is lodged in our brains.
- The friend who was stuck in the decade before he was born.
Depending on when you were in high school, he was either really obsessed with the counterculture movement, The Brady Bunch, or Michael Jackson.
- The friend who brushed her hair in between every class.
But you have to give it up to her. She earned that Best Hair award.
- The friend who had the same significant other all four years.
True love means still kissing after you see your high school sweetheart get hit in the face with a gym class football.
- The other friend from that couple who once mistook you for their significant other and freaked you out when suddenly you were attack hugged in the hall.
“Excuse you,” you said, trying not to get much angrier. “I’m trying to get my French book.”
- The friend who talked about youth group a lot.
You learned so many songs about the Bible that you’re pretty sure would be considered sacrilegious literally anywhere else.
- The friend who really liked boy bands.
You tried to say, “But the Backstreet Boys are not a band. They don’t play instruments!” Still, no one believed you.
- The friend who hung out at the secretary’s desk a lot.
He was really convinced that having a seemingly unlimited access to paper clips made him the coolest kid in school. Spoiler alert: It didn’t.
- The friend who asked you to the prom thinking it wouldn’t be weird and then made it weird when they played that Lifehouse song.
You know, the one that goes, “You and me and all of the people?” Yeah. It makes everything 1,000 times more awkward than what could have been.
- The friend who didn’t have any other friends except for you because they were the real life equivalent of April Ludgate or Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation, and that made you feel special.
There’s nothing like being loved by a person who hates everyone.